|
SO SAD
Oct 24, 2008 6:48:39 GMT -5
Post by mommy1971 on Oct 24, 2008 6:48:39 GMT -5
Hi guys. I am needing some advice but I think I am also needing to vent. I have been married now 18 years, but lately things have been going down hill. I feel like when I talk about it that I sound selfish but I can't help my feelings. First off, my husband works ALOT and I am a stay at home mom and wife for the moment. I try to make everything perfect for him when he comes home, but he never even notices. He comes in eats his meal that I have made while sitting in front of the tv and usually falls asleep soon after. I have always understood he is tired, but I am feeling so alone. I know he works and is tired, but there is many times that he could spend time with me that he would rather be somewhere else. I just feel so unappreciated and like I don't even matter anymore. If I say anything to him he gets mad and starts screaming that I could never do what he does and that I better be glad he gives me money. I never buy myself anything. The money goes to our home and kids. I feel like his words have pushed me so far away that I don't know if I can forgive and forget. I promise I have never took him for granted and try to do everything to make life easy for him while at home but he acts like he despises me anymore. We don't even talk. The only time he seems interested is when he's in the mood for you know what. As soon as that is over so is the sweetness. I don't know what to do. I love him but I am so sad.
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 24, 2008 10:11:13 GMT -5
Post by Dorothyl on Oct 24, 2008 10:11:13 GMT -5
Huggz Mommy
People in long term Relationships do tend to forget the reasons that they began don't they?
We as wives and mothers, also tend to create our little monsters and before we know it...we are being taken for granted, ignored and only seen when they need something from us.
It is obvious that your hubby has become very complacent in his routine and does not even realize how far apart you both have become.
His being a hard worker does not help in matters because he genuinely feels that he is doing his part effectively as a father and head of the household. The thing he seems to have forgotten is that his role as a husband is not just about a sexual encounter now and then...it is also about companionship.
You mentioned that you have tried talking and he shuts you out immediately. That just tells me that he knows there is something wrong and he does not know how to fix it. It is that oh so commonly used word these days called 'DENIAL'.
Men are not into emotional energy....they never were. For him the needs from you are so foreign to him that he uses anger hide behind instead of just telling you he does not know what to do to make you feel better.
I have seen too many relationships end up with the wife totally turning off and leaving only to be followed by the man running behind her crying that she never told him how she felt. The truth is that she has told him over and over and over again...he did not listen.
Women do not leave the nesting ground unless they truly feel threatened. It is hard work to leave a marriage.
My suggestions here would be to write him a letter. DO not use any context of blame...just reveal how much you just miss how you use to be. The letter should not be aggressive or attacking at all. Merely strip yourself down to the bare bones and reach out to him.
Letters are very effective as they do not distract the reader and you can get out all of your feelings with out any body language misinterpreting your thoughts to the reader.
Sometimes it helps to leave relationship books laying around for your partner to happen to see.
If all else ails and you are seriously falling apart...then you must take a stand with this man and tell him it is time to seek professional help by a pastor, therapist, whoever. You will have to corner him eventually and tell him that this is a life or death of your relationship matter.
If you do nothing more than continue being the perfect wife and allowing his behavior....it will not change. It will however get worse for you and no one else.
Every relationship needs a reboot now and then because being human creatures we tend to fall into comfort-zones quickly. Men are notorious for this.
Pull up your boot straps girl and fight for your relationship.
I look forward to your thoughts!
Huggz~D~
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 27, 2008 6:29:47 GMT -5
Post by mommy1971 on Oct 27, 2008 6:29:47 GMT -5
Thankyou D, You are so thoughtful and make so much sense. I adore him and really need things to get better. Last night I was feeling really bad about it all. He had come in late again and was just watching tv as usual and I was just sitting there staring at him. He finally noticed me and actually came over to me. I was so glad he had just even noticed me, but of coarse he ruined the moment. He then just wanted SEX. There's no in between anymore with him.. It's eather he completely ignores me or we have sex. I just need more than that. I need to know he loves me and cares about my thoughts and feelings. Oh boy, I know I sound like one of those whiny people that just complain all the time. I'm sorry about that and I plan on taking your advice and writing a long letter. I pray it sinks in with him.. THANKS AGAIN
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 27, 2008 7:41:45 GMT -5
Post by Dorothyl on Oct 27, 2008 7:41:45 GMT -5
Huggzz Mommy
You are very welcome! Listen sweety....you can never be accused of complaining nor should you ever apologize for sharing your feelings.
You must address this issue...I do not care whether you have just married yesterday or you have just celebrated your 50th wedding anniversary. When you are unhappy to a point that it is tearing you apart...it is time to change things.
Your partner only did what he is used to doing. His desire for sex may be the only way he himself knows how to show you affection..
Communication/conversation is vital in any relationship. Neither of us can read minds and sometimes some of us need a different word or motion before we actually catch on.
Write him that letter and as I stressed in my earlier post...be very careful to not use the blame theme. Talk about how much you miss him and his conversations with you.
Reminisce a little if need be and remind him of a certain time or two from the past just so he can have a mental picture.
Also give him some time to absorb the letter. Men tend to try and brush things over or use anger to hide behind.
Be careful not to rush him into thinking...if he gets angry....just ignore him as you probably expect will be his usual reaction. Walk away and do something very different than you normally do.
Huuggz~D~ I
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 27, 2008 16:36:34 GMT -5
Post by powerhse82 on Oct 27, 2008 16:36:34 GMT -5
Merciful Heavens Mommy, I am right there with you! Hugs, Val
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 28, 2008 6:43:57 GMT -5
Post by mommy1971 on Oct 28, 2008 6:43:57 GMT -5
Well guys I tried expressing my feelings to him as you said and at first he seemed interested. He came over to me and sit by me trying really hard to seem interested, but of coarse I can't compete with the animal planet. (no joke that was what was on) He then wanted guess what? Yes S.E.X..Don't get me wrong I like sex as much as anyone, but he doesn't understand that does not solve our problems. I was so hurt I just went to bed. Now this morning he is gone to work again till tonight and I am here feeling so down and out. I just don't know what to do anymore. We just bought a new home and I haven't even got to enjoy it because we seem to be falling apart. I'm not giving up. I'm just having a really bad day. Thanks for your time.
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 29, 2008 6:25:13 GMT -5
Post by Dorothyl on Oct 29, 2008 6:25:13 GMT -5
;D Big huggzzz for you girl.
Grrrrr...don't you just go crazy with frustration in how some men just do not get it.
Did you write him a letter yet? Or was it a conversation as usual type thing?
If you have not written the letter yet......it probably would not be a bad idea to mention that it is not about sex...it is about being a couple and sharing!!!
Hang in there...we will get you through this !
We have all been the wall flower in one relationship or another and we are feeling your pain and loneliness!
You are so not alone....
Huggzz~D~
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 30, 2008 6:39:06 GMT -5
Post by mommy1971 on Oct 30, 2008 6:39:06 GMT -5
Yeah, I wrote him the letter and he seemed to agree at the moment. He just always feels protective of himself. He will always say I am doing the best I can. I do believe he loves me. He just can'y understand the difference in how women and men think and need. I don't need alot. Small sweet words go so far with me. He'd be surprised to know that it might even benefit him(if u know what i mean) if he did do that. Oh well, I will keep trying as that Trace Atkins song goes. He's worth it. I will tell you he is the hardest working man I have ever known and is a great dad, so he's worth the effort.
|
|
|
SO SAD
Oct 30, 2008 7:49:23 GMT -5
Post by Dorothyl on Oct 30, 2008 7:49:23 GMT -5
Huggzzzzz Mommy
It sounds like he is worth it and just keep putting out little hints yourself. Like draw a heart on the bathroom mirror with both initials or a good morning ..I love you in it. He may pick up from your own efforts of the small stuff.
Leave him a note now and then telling him how much you get turned on just by the sweet little nothings he says to you. The list goes on and on. If he is truly worth it.....then a few more little things will not be a waste of your time and efforts either.
He might just pick up on them without even being aware of it!
Keep moving forward!
Huggzz~D~
|
|