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Post by Jess on Feb 11, 2009 14:47:33 GMT -5
Day 1
I see a fat girl who has let herself go. I see a fat, bloated stomach that looks like I'm ready to give birth any minute now. I see huge boobs and can't tell where they end and my fat belly begins so it all looks like one huge blob. Seems my mouth is in a permanent frown these days. Yet there is still that ever present sparkle of mischief (sp?) in my eyes that I love seeing in terriers LOL I see the ugly, smelly, painful acne I have all over my body that nothing in 30 yrs has been able to rid me of. I see a girl who has been in love with her fiddle since she was a wee little lass and who, after a 25 yr hiatus, has renewed that love and friendship with a new fiddle. I see a scared girl who has to appear to be tough as nails or risk being seriously hurt again.
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Post by Jess on Feb 12, 2009 9:11:22 GMT -5
Day 2
I'm feeling sporty today even though I still look like I'm ready to give birth any minute. My hair is in a pony tail today. Can't wait for it to get long enough to braid. I love how my hair looks when I take the braids out. I love wearing athletic clothing. I feel beautiful, strong and confident wearing it. I'm disappointed with myself for not being strong enough to quit smoking even after being on Chantix for several months now. My feet are still looking good from the last pedi 2 weeks ago. It's a shame to put them in sneakers cuz nobody will get to see the pretty purple polish on my cute little feet. lol I have very nice teeth and got an unexpected pleasant surprise and many compliments from both dentist and student on my very good hygiene habits yesterday while getting them cleaned. It was so fast and painless! Plus, my teeth had so little plaque and calculus that they didn't need to use the high pressure water, which is always painful, just the hand tool! Woo hoo!! My skin is looking better today. Seems the medicine the dermatologist gave me is actually working. I'm giving myself a facial to help reduce these huge pores . My eyebrows are beginning to overpower my pretty eyes (per my bf I have pretty eyes). Time for a wax! I listened to some recordings from when I first started playing fiddle and recordings I did a couple days ago and am pleased to hear I'm making some progress finally. I'm still struggling with negative thoughts and trying not to let myself go into that comfortable angry/temper, but to try and allow myself to think, feel and believe in the good things others say to and about me and to give myself permission to like myself and have my own positive thougths and comments for myself.
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Post by Jess on Feb 13, 2009 11:58:13 GMT -5
Woke up knowing I want to feel pretty today, so I picked out one of my prettier tops that hide the belly fat, a dark pair of jeans and some really cute sandals that make me 4" taller.
Was doing good mentally until almost the end of my shower. The neighbor next door thinks it's funny to turn the water on full blast when she hears me or my roommate are in the shower for more than four minutes. Been dealing with this for three years now. I lost it and am still trying to calm down. I'm sick and tired of these rude, inconsiderate neighbors and a landlady who says she will take care of any problems but never does! I'm sick of being nice and not saying or doing anything. I'm sick of being lied to by a landlady who does only the minimal necessary.
Now, I don't feel so pretty and have changed into my sweats and sneakers and put my hair in a ponytail again. I feel like I need to beat the ever loving crap out of something or someone so I'm going to the gym and do some boxing or kick boxing whichever is available.
GRRRRRRR!!!!!
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Post by Jess on Feb 15, 2009 8:21:01 GMT -5
Hey, what happened to my post from yesterday??? Grrrr!
Day 4
Woke up in good sprits~i'ts Valentine's Day after all and I happen to have a very sweet bf, for a change, who makes a point of being good to me and even spoiling me a bit. He bought me a beautiful empire styled dress. (OK,so I picked it out, but he bought it. lol). We went and bought some, ahem...fun stuff for a bit of "romping" hehehe then he took me out for dinner at one of my favorite bbq restaurants since the Olive Garden had people lined up outside the door. Yes, he is one of those rare guys who, even though I'm a big ball of blubber these days, is honest and sincere in accepting me as I am and without making me feel bad in any way about it. If I have issues with my body these days it's all in MY head and not because he put them there.
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Post by Jess on Feb 15, 2009 8:29:36 GMT -5
Day 5
Today is go to church day, so I will be dressing up nicely in a few hours. Nothing to make me feel sexy or especially pretty though. I'd love to send a few of them gasping by wearing my new, pretty dress. It has cleavage down to THERE! hehehehe My bf doesn't have a problem with it but agrees it would cause a sensation and not necessarily a good one. I'm getting soft in my old age lol. I would rather put on my plain, uneventful church clothes than go stir a hornets nest. I still find myself getting angry while driving and have been trying to avoid it as much as possible these last couple of days. I find I'm relaxed, calm and even a bit peaceful when I can manage to stay out from behind the wheel of my car. It's sad, too, cause driving has always been therapeutic for me. I'd just get in my car and go see some pretty scenery. Sadly, that is a thing of the past since now one has to drive for hours to get to a quiet place in nature. Even then you're bound to run into some humans making noise, breaking glass, leaving their trash behind and/or using what few wild animals there are as target practice. Ok, I'm depressing myself.
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Post by Jess on Feb 16, 2009 14:11:25 GMT -5
Day 6 Still a fat girl looking back at me. I'm showered and, though not in my pretty dress, I am wearing a cute, casual top with one of my fave pair of jeans and some cute sandals that show off the pedi I had a month ago. Still looking good. I'm not sure just where my mental faculties are today. I feel calm, yet agitated at the same time and I'm not sure what is agitating me....besides being out of work. Forgot to mention on one of the other days that my teeth are in great shape. Nothing over a 4~which means no periodontal disease or receding gum lines. I haven't had a cavity in over 30 ys. Got 3 of the 4 silver fillings replaced last year....can't remember why the fourth one was left.... ? The acne is stubborn and refuses to go away completely. Though I remember the dermatologist saying he would see me in March. Guess they give this stuff three months to work on this cystic crap. I am happy to see no new ones appearing and the ones I do have are almost gone. I get to go pay some bills and go grocery shopping. These days, in this economy/job slump, it's a blessing to be able to do these without having to apply for assistance of one kind or another.
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Post by Jess on Feb 18, 2009 10:13:06 GMT -5
Day 7
I was out of town yesterday, so I am finishing this today.
Woke up worried about my mom. Her diabetic numbers were low and she was feeling kinda icky so t wasn't the usual 'it's all about me' day. That doesn't mean I neglected myself though. I was looking forward to a day of driving her to phyz therapy and some shopping so I dressed nicely casual, comfortable. I styled my hair, which looked nice at first, then fell completely flat within minutes. Having thin, fine, straight hair means you look sloppy all the time. Yes, I came to accept my sloppy, never polished look a long time ago. Didn' t get a chance to practice my instrument. I feel like I'm missing something. To help feed my artistic side I picked up a coloring kit from the dollar store of fairies so my 5 yr old great niece and I could have some quality time after we picked her up from school. That went well for a few minutes until she started being physically and verbally abusive to me. I'm still trying to figure out why she ran up to her great-grandfather, who was kneeling in front of the tv, hiked up her dress, laid on her back, put her legs in the air and spread them and looked directly at him as if waiting for him to do something. Gee, I wonder what that could be? Great-grandma yelled at her that she's wearing a dress. Hello? Hmmm, am I the only one who sees something wrong here? Great grandma says she's just a kid and doesn't know any better and that she's always been pulling her clothes up or off. Of course! How stupid of me! The afternoon ended with her going off in a huff to be with her uncle and his girlfriend who live next door and I went home. I had nightmares last night and couldn't get to sleep until 2am.
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Post by Jess on Jul 15, 2009 22:04:34 GMT -5
Lord help me, if I thought I was fat back in February then I'm a hippo now.
Have been going to doctors and having blood tests done trying to figure out why I am 60lbs overweight and having pregnancy symptoms. Had a partial hysterectomy six years ago. I've become depressed and find it nearly impossible to even like myself these days. I haven't been able to exercise due to my lower back injury so I know that is adding to my weight problem, but it doesn't explain all the pregnancy symptoms I've been having. The past two months I have been dealing with insomnia and diarrhea. I don't know what else to do. I feel helpless.
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Post by Dorothyl on Apr 19, 2010 9:11:14 GMT -5
Hey Jess.... I have just spent some time reading your Mirror...Mirror... Sweety...beleive it or not you thoughts and ups and downs are so normal. I don't know many women that do not work at accepting and dealing with their body shape, size and or physical ailments. I do commend you on the way you do find the positives in your self. Having healthy teeth is a gift that you should most definitely be happy to have been granted. Having a musical gift...again another reason to be very happy about who you are. Being able to admire your feet...lol....I seriously ignore mine as they need more than a professional makeover Your love for your hair...jeesh yet another gift that so many of us do not have the luxury of having. Your weight and your skin are things that are working against you....I can only count that as 2 against all of the positives that you have mentioned in your 7 day journal. If you can notice and identify your inner moods....when they are good...all is good....when they are bad....again....all is bad...Yet nothing about your appearance has changed from one day to the next. So much of how we feel about who we are is controllable if we learn to control it. We are the ones that can actually decide to be happy and not allow neighbors or traffic to control how we feel. In reality we are at fault for our moods not them:) So chin up sweet Jess and keep pushing away those reasons to frown and smile instead ....that is something that you cn control! Huggz~D~
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