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Post by nataliemc on Jun 1, 2010 14:36:14 GMT -5
Hey ladies...I know I haven't been on here in a long time and a lot has changed since the last time I have spoke to most of you. To make a long story short, I got divorced in October of 09. I started seeing someone new in December and things have been really great. He is a very great person and has treated me better in the last 6 months than any man ever has. There is just one thing in our relationship that I can't seem to get passed and that really bothers me. He masterbates, frequently. Now when I say frequently, I mean a couple times a week (that I know of.) He usually does it when we don't have sex. Now we do have a great sex life. We have sex at least 3 times a week, if not more. But I have found that if I am not in the mood for sex, he will wait until I fall asleep and then masterbate. The first few times I caught him doing it, he had snuck out of the bedroom and into the living room and was reading a Penthouse Letters book and masterbating. After catching him doing it the first few times, we had a discussion about it. I explained to him that him sneaking around like that really upset me and hurt my feelings because I felt he was hiding things from me. And I see nothing wrong with masterbation, I just find it weird and pretty upsetting when he does it when I am home. After I explained how I felt, he promised he wouldn't sneak around and do it, and I even offered to "lend a hand" if I wasn't in the mood for sex. He has asked me for help once since the first discussion. Since then I find that I can't sleep at night because I just know he is going to masterbate. I have watched him 3 times now sneak a magazine out of the back of his night stand and masterbate while he thinks I am asleep. He only knows I have seen him do it once. We had another talk about it, and I suggested again that he ask me for help if he feels I am not in the mood for sex. I have even suggested things like mutual masterbation, watching a porn together, and many other things that I have read from the internet. Nothing seems to help. I have read a few articles online about how masterbation for men is there way of releasing stress and that they enjoy doing it alone. I truly understand that. But why does he insist on doing it when I am home, and more than willing to help?!? It really bothers me and is starting to make me withdraw from him. I really care for this man and want to continue our relationship, but I don't know how to deal with this issue. Any advice would be greatly appreciated!!
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Post by connie on Jun 3, 2010 12:14:56 GMT -5
Well when I first started reading your post I started thinking that if you dont want to have sex with him and he needs a release then he has to get it done somehow... However since you are willing to help him with that and he still sneeks around Im not really sure what to tell you...
I know that my hubby use to be with someone who only wanted to have sex once a week so he got Very use to looking at porn and masterbating. However since we are together we have sex 'Or I should say we Dont have sex maybe 2 or 3 days a month'... Yet when I brought up the talk about porn (which he might watch once every 6months now) I asked if he missed it and thought that there was no reason to miss it since we have sex so much.. He stated that since it was such a BIG part of his life for so long that every once in a blue moon he does get the sence that he would like to watch it, But doesnt cause we are always so together and he's fine with that... (his words that hes fine with it not mine)....
I guess what Im trying to say is - Has your man always had to turn to that? Maybe he just needs sex alot more than 3 days a week.
Im not ALWAYS in the mood, but once things start heating up theres no stopping from getting in the mood..... So if you want him to stop doing what he's doing you have to work at it to... And maybe masterbation is something private to him so dont offer to help (he doesnt want it), maybe try to get in the mood for sex more so theres no need to get up and sneek around, you will have already scratched that ich.....
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Post by nataliemc on Jun 3, 2010 12:26:21 GMT -5
Masterbation and reading his dirty books/magazines have been a really big part of his life. He hasn't been in a steady relationship in over 5 years so that is all he had besides the occasional one night stand. In some ways I feel he might have somewhat of an addiction to it. I do believe he masterbated every day if not a couple times a day before him and I started our relationship. I am wondering if he is having withdrawals or something like that because he did do it for so long. We did have another talk about it yesterday, and he said that yes, sometimes he does want to do it himself just to get the quick release so he can relax. That I understand and have no problem with. I explained that I was very uncomfortable with how he was sneaking around and doing it and that if he does want help and I don't want to have sex, to feel free to ask. He seemed somewhat relieved with this. I am a very understand person and I think that helps.
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Post by Dorothyl on Jul 6, 2010 9:07:02 GMT -5
Hey Natalie... So nice to hear from you again. It seems that you have a handle on the situation thus far. Communication is most definitely the key when it is about the personal stuff such as masturbation. I have heard that many guys resort to self satisfaction as opposed to pressuring their partners for a sexual release. Your partner seems to be working at changing his habits and as we all know it is a lengthy process but a doable one as long as one is willing . I also commend you in your understanding it as his need and not anything you have done or not done. Sometimes a person prefers to masturbate as their is no pressure to perform or any distraction from a partner. It really is not wrong as long as it is shared through communication and not hidden like some dirty secret~ We can overcome anything as long as we can openly share and trust in our partners~ Huggzzzz Girl~ ~D~
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Post by nataliemc on Nov 5, 2010 10:16:37 GMT -5
Thanks D...Its great to be back. We are still working on the masterbation issue, but its going pretty good. We had a set back a couple weeks ago when I found out he had been looking at escort websites because they have dirty pictures. It was a hard blow to me but we have been communicating and dealing with it. It is just very hard to deal with, especially now that I am pregnant. I also think I have some self esteem and jealousy issues, as well as trouble dealing with letting things go. I seem to dwell a lot on the bad things that have happened, and it makes me in a terrible mood. Any advice?
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Post by Dorothyl on Nov 7, 2010 8:06:59 GMT -5
Hey Nat...
Congratulations on your pregnancy girl. This is a very hormonal and emotional time for you so everything is going to magnify and yes you are going to feel off in the self-esteem department for sure.
The issue with masterbation and your partner may not have actually stopped. He may just have hidden it better til now.
Bottom line with this situation...if he is treating you with respect and love...still wants you sexually...makes you feel good about who you are ...your relationship is worth fighting for and his need for masterbating is his own issue...one he should see a therapist for. Some people do actually like masturbation...as I mentioned in an earlier reply...they find it easier and less strenuos. It is almost like a private part of them that they so not want to share or give up.
Is masturbation addicting? YES...like anything else wired in the human brain..it most definitely can become habitual. Is maturbation a bad thing? NO...as long as both parnters are accepting to it and it is not kept hidden~
Nat...the reason you are having trouble letting things go is because some of those things truly bother you and you genuinely cannot settle with them. This is where you should sit down and try discussing things with your partner. He must understand that you are not in the same balance as he is with what he chooses to do.
In relationships we do bend for each other and that is a good thing...that is how relationships survive...but we should never overbend as eventually that bend does break and/or becomes very uncomfortable.
You should be at your highest peak of happiness right now as you are going to be bringing a new life to this world. Your focus should be on your future as a family and not on your partners personal issues. This in itself is a sign that you have tried and failed in accepting his personal preference with masturbation.
How do you feel better about you...be honest with him about how you are feeling and that you have tried to accept and live with his needs...but that you have come to a point where you are starting to suffer because of it.
This issue is not going to go away because you ignore it...it is too unsettling for you and for who you are.
Fight for what makes you happy girl...you have a baby coming soon and that child will learn from you~
I look forward to your thoughts~
~D~
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